My heart is broken

Short post today.

My baby girl Pepper, my beautiful sweet kitty who I have had for a little over 12 years, is sick. She is on her last leg it seems, and I am devastated.

This year has been one that has left scars in my heart. Some are good scars, like a gratifying war wound, some are still healing. Some appear to be OK, but then are ripped open again.

I'll write more about 2018 later. For today, though, Pepper's illness is what is consuming me. So is all the eating and wine drinking, crying, and sleeping, pouting and dancing in denialville. I don't know how to handle these feelings.

I won't go in to why Pepper is wonderful. She is still here, and it's not the time for a eulogy.

What I will say is that the magnitude of this pain is one I haven't felt in a very long time. In fact, it's a pain that seems very foreign, very unchartered, very lonely.

It's like I am falling through an abyss, and there is no ground. If there was an impact to look forward to, a floor to splat on, a platform of sorts, it would hurt like a fucker, but then it would mean I could address whatever pain and brokenness comes from the landing, the crash.

No, this feels like riding a roller coaster, when your stomach is lingering through your throat and you feel like vomiting, and you feel like crying, you feel terrified, and you feel like it is never going to end. It feels like all this times 1,000,000.

My heart is broken.

To my friends, the ones that have been checking in on me, they are trying so hard to make me feel better. But I know how hard it must be for them. Not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do. To all my friends who have been texting and checking and calling, I love you and I appreciate you just being there. I will never forget that. And please know you don't have to say anything. Just saying hi . . . it goes so so far.

I am not even thinking about what I am saying here. I am just venting. So if it doesn't make sense, the P.S. of it all is this sucks major ass, everything hurts, and I want lots of carbs. And I'll miss my girl. She's in the hospital tonight. And I want her home with us. I want time to stand still. I want to ask myself why do I have to love these little fur babies. I want to understand.

For now, I will just cry and try, but still ask why.