The pain in my chest, the bubbles in my tummy, the mild shakes, and the draining act of breathing . . .
All signs of anxiety.
Lots to be anxious about:
- The World, in its current state. Being Hispanic, right now. Being a woman, right now. Being married to a Muslim man, right now. Being American, right now. Being, right now.
- Career change / new job in the horizon. Exciting, but new. Wonderful company, but new. So much potential. But . . . new.
- I will have to stop walking dogs for said career. My heart is broken. Those pups have been my therapy and anti-depressants. And thank God, because, without insurance, I can't afford either. I have about a month with them left. So I will try to cherish every moment.
- My husband's new career, that keeps him on the road for a few weeks at a time. We have been doing great. But I worry, I miss him, and it's odd manning the fort at home without your partner. It's like feeling you forgot to pack some thing for a trip, a feeling that lasts 24 hours a day/7 days a week.
- My new cat, Cookie's, hair loss/alopecia/stress grooming/mystery illness that triggers all those feeling I have bottled up since my Pepper and Bam died. I miss them so very much. And having Cookie has been a blessing. But my heart is still broken for my babies. It may always be.
- My apartment is a mess. I started cleaning it today, felt overwhelmed, and I just sat on my couch and got lost in social media and youtube videos about how to make a youtube video.
- I miss traveling. I used to do it 2-3 times a year before I got married. Then life happens and you have to do 1000 things before it's ok to travel. It's left me empty and sad.
- My body's health is off. My feet are always hurting, my back is getting worse, I have been spotting for a month, and I'm exhausted all the time. Internet says Cancer. It always says Cancer. I know it's not. But I feel so wobbly and broken.
- My finances need life support. The new career will be a big help with this, but right now, it seems so far from where I have been.
- Death. Seriously, this shit has been keeping me up at night. We all die. Dying is inevitable. When does it happen? Why? Who? I never used to think about death so much. Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Maybe it's because I've seen it first hand in the last year. Who knows.
- Animal cruelty and why humans suck, and how it seems it will never end.
- Sadness. I know I should be happy for the life I have. And I am, most of the time. But today I am fucking sad. and scared. and just need to scream and let it out. But you can't do that without a noise complaint from your neighbor. So that's why I opened this blog and started typing. I'm screaming with words.
Writing this opened the flood gates of tears that needed to come out. I do feel better. And I know this will be pass. Normally, my husband would hold me and let me cry and he would say, "Everything will be ok." But he's not here. And I hate that he's not here. I hate that he's going to be far away for most of the time for the foreseeable future. I am proud of him for starting this new career, but I miss him more than I let on. Because I can't let people think I am "needy" or dependent on someone else. God forbid. Well, the jig is up. I miss him, miss how it was our first year, when we both had 9-5 jobs, and we'd come home and have dinner together every night. When we would watch wrestling, then go to sleep at the same time, where he would spoon me until he fell asleep (in seconds, lucky bastard), and I would wiggle away from his embrace because, well, a girl needs to stretch out lol. And when the alarm would go off and you'd both wake up and fight over who would shower first so the other could have 20 more minutes of sleep.
He always showered first.
Wow. I feel better. Writing always helps.
Usually, I would go back and edit my writing. But not this one. This was all the stewing and steaming that was brewing inside tonight. And I let it out, in its very raw form.
This is anxiety.
