Existential is a word I had to google . . .

I was talking to my therapist today about dreams; how, once upon a time I wanted to be a writer. A comedy writer to be exact. And she said something like, "well, why do you NEED to do that?" implying that if I didn't do that I won't be a failure.

I think I have to fire my therapist.

This approaching age is a scary one. Especially since I feel like my life is so similar to when I was 27. Except some crow-feet, and I can't seem to tolerate dairy like I used to.

That's a heartache in it of itself. What is life without cheese, milk with chocolate cookies, and more cheese?

Don't get me started on heartache. The last 2 years (in August) have been pretty heartbreaking and necessary. I thought 2009 was a hard year, but this takes the cake. My "best friend" walked away from a 30+ friendship, because I wasn't present enough for her, my 2 cats died, my waste waist line expanded extensively, I went through a career crisis, and I've lost my will to dream.

Not to be dramatic.

My husband has been nothing sort of a saint, but, quite frankly, this marriage stuff takes a lot of work. I spent almost 5 years living it up, huss-i-fy-ing New York City like nobody business. My apartment was messy, I embraced my sexuality, I ate cereal out of Kitchenade mixer bowls, and navigated expiration dates like they were negotiable. It was care-free, hilarious, with lots of hangovers. I had a good run.

Then I fell in love and got married. And all of a sudden I was exposed. Four, five years later, and I am living a life with my best friend (not the one that ran off when shit got hard). My husband. But it's exhausting to be the real me, and try to make sure another human is happy. Even though he is the most loving and patient sweet pea ever.

Where am I going with this?

Over the last year, I went from my dream job of being a dog walker, to returning to the creative tech world, working for my dream company, making sure all things creative happen. I love my coworkers, I love working from home. I love the impact my company is having on this shit world we are currently living in.

But, where is the wikipedia page? Where is the E true Hollywood story (Ok, not that far off)? Where is the rando. yahoo article about how I had a nose job all them years ago?

I never got that. Even though I was 8 years old, dancing in a bra training bra in my bedroom, dancing to Janet Jackson, If, much to my poor brother's dismay. I always said I would "make it". Although if I am going to be honest, I definitely would have gone down the Lindsay Lohan, Bald Britney route. I related to these girls so much when it happened, even when the world around me ripped them a part.

So perhaps it's a blessing I didn't become this world wide success. Perhaps I couldn't handle it. But damn it, I would love to leave a little imprint in this world. I just don't know what that is anymore.

And yet, I sit here, terrified, as that scary age approaches . . .