Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Roller coasters, muffin tops and broken hearts

It's been 8 months since I've last blogged. I've had serious thoughts on why I have been avoiding writing. I mean, there has been PLENTY to blog about. In the last year, my love life has been quite the roller coaster. In some instances, more like a gypsy freak show at your local carnival. And maybe even bouncy house-like (I mean, if we are perpetuating the carnival motif). If I didn't think this info would make it back to my mother, I might fill you in. For another blog post, perhaps.

Anyway, my writers block has been more like a stubborn dude who hates talking about his feelings. It felt like that, like I didn't want to hear myself nag and nag about my life. Also, I have pretty awesome friends that do tolerate my nagging and bitching. Why blog to the one person that reads this (hi besty), when I can moan to a core group of dear confidants?

At the risk of losing said confidants, I decided it was time to come back to the ETFGW (what a freakin acronym) blog. So here I am. Ready to bitch.

I could catch you all up on life, and how wonderful it's been. For instances, I just came back from Dubai and India. And it was beautiful and life changing. Sort of taught me not to bitch about my life, that I am ready blessed to have what I do. I suppose said lesson isn't very apparent in this blog, huh?

I have been very satisfied professionally, and I continue to live in my wonderful rent-controlled apartment with the most cutest felines ever. My mom is healthy and my family and friends are simply the best!

Have I lost the 35 lbs I have been trying to lose for 3 years? If I had, you know that would have been the FIRST thing to mention. This blog is about getting healthy after all, isn't it? I am actual content in my current body. I know for health purposes and because muffin tops are only cute on cupcakes and squishy puppies, that I'll eventually lose it. It's a work in progress. And I am OK with that.

Yep, life is great. Wonderful. But at this moment, I am melancholy. And I have been for most of the day. You see, guys, I have been swept off my feet. This cynical city girl is completely smittened. And it sucks. And it's also wonderful. But it also sucks. For starters, he lives in west bubba fuck. Literally. Like on the other side of the planet. We can't have a conversation without one of us falling asleep because of the ridiculous time difference. God knows when we'll see each other again. And, the worst part, I really care for him.

Typically, the latter would be a positive. Falling for someone is a beautiful thing, one everybody should experience at least once in their life. However, falling for someone who breaks your heart is not the most beautiful thing. In fact, it's the worst. I mean, listen, you survive and your learn . . . blah blah blah. It makes you stronger and God knows everything. I get all that. But it still sucks major ass. And because of this, I have built some hefty walls around my heart. Like super hefty walls that can protect a castle from the most vile of villains on the Game of Thrones (I don't actually watch the series, but I feel as though sturdy walls are key to long-term survival on that show). These walls have kept me away from romantical shit. They've protected me, my heart from devastation. They haven't been 100% reliable, though. Last year, I let them down, and fell for some one who really tested my faith in people. He was an imposter of sorts, and, you guessed it: he broke my heart. So I plastered them bricks up again, and the walls have been stronger and sturdier ever since. And I had been OK with that.

Or so I thought.

During my travels, I had a spark with someone, a connection that was fueled by intense passion. Again, if I knew my mom would never find out about this, I would share the details. For another blog post, perhaps.

He's been nothing short of . . . amazing. A soothing respite from the cynical sores my heart is accustomed to tolerating. But I can't seem to enjoy it. My walls aren't budging. Sure, a few bricks have fallen off, and I've allowed some visual access to my heart, but they are quickly reinstated. And I may miss out on one of the most beautiful experiences that one can feel.

To be in love.

I've been there before. It's a great feeling. But worth the heartbreak? I just don't know.

So that's what's on my mind. That's why I am sad. Because I can't allow myself to enjoy this person. Someone who has made me laugh a ton, smile a whole lot, cry for good purposes, explore another way of life. Someone who is constantly thinking of me, who asks about what I had for breakfast, who wants me to meet his family, who enjoys my mother's giggle, who loves my friends as much as I do, who would do anything to bring me joy. Also, and may I just say, someone who is . . . probably the best I have ever had (for another blog post, perhaps).

I am praying about it (in addition to my hussy ways as noted above). I am not making any crazy decisions. I most likely won't for a very long time. I just have to figure out what to do with these walls. And to see if they can come down once and for all.