20 hours without crying

I warn you, my lovely readers, I may go on quite a few blog entry diatribes about this horrible loss. If one thing therapy has taught me, writing is a major help. It may not be funny or entertaining, and certainly not grammatically correct, but it's a way to release these bricks on my chest. Also, as per previous post, normal substance/narcotic/netflix binge solutions aren't working.

It's Day 2 since I've lost my boy. And I lasted 20 hours without crying. I woke up around 1pm today, having had a hard time sleeping the night before. I gave my other 2 fur ladies lunch, ordered a meal for myself, and started watching Arrested Development from the beginning. 8 hours later and I haven't done much more. Gracie is very confused and in search of something in the house. When she isn't in deep search, she has been stuck to me like glue, burying her face in to my bosom and purring ever so softly. Or she sleeps on Bam's spot, where he took his last breath.

Pepper just wants food lol My sweet fat girl.

I had only 3 goals today: to scoop the litter box, shower and to balance my checkbook. There are hundreds of other goals to do: laundry, the floors, eye brow thread, and I am sure countless more. But all I aimed for was these 3 To do items.

Yet, I can't move from the couch. I am dreading that it's almost 10pm already, and I have to face sunrise soon. The start of a new week, where I walk my dogs and organize my clients. I am feeling incredible dread. Because everything becomes a first time of doing something without being the crazy cat lady with 3 cats. Because everything becomes a new experience, of not coming home to my Bam, who always greeted me at the door, meowing for his wet food and my kisses and cuddles, for 14 years.

I am blown away at how wonderful my family and friends have been. The beauty of social media and texting became so evident to me in these last few days. It's been a saving grace, allowing me space and solitude to mourn, yet knowing I have quite a large group of beautiful angels thinking of us right now.

Anywho, I lasted quite a while without crying. Today I felt as thought my insides were desperately running around like worker ants, trying to build a fort around my heart. Almost as if a tsunami was coming in for the kill. The goal is to not feel, to set up a concrete barrier of numbness. With this work comes distraction and avoidance of feeling anything.

Then, all of a sudden, I swore I heard his footsteps, and his meow. And I shot up from the couch, having laughed at Bluth family shenanigans seconds ago. I reached for my roku remote and hit mute, somehow, for a split second, forgetting the reality. And, with that, came the merciless tsunami. And the tears.

I had a thought earlier today. Perhaps I am not cut out for bering a fur mom. Perhaps after my fur ladies go meet their brother in the after life, I'll get a plant or an ant farm. Or nothing at all. this pain has been the hardest sorrow I have ever gone through. And that includes, an absent parent, broken relationships, loving a horrible baseball franchise, and the invasion of stretch marks.

I suppose that was my mild attempt at a joke.

Ok. I'm going to sign off and take a shower. that's my goal. Just get in to the shower, meri Jaan, as my husband would say. That is all I have to do today.

Mourning my baby

I haven't had to mourn the loss of a loved one much in my 37 years. I suppose one can say I have been blessed because of this. And I do happen to agree with that. But, the other side of this is that, when it does happen, I will be completely unready and unfamiliar with such pain.

And such is what happened yesterday at 4:47pm. My sweet fur baby, my 14 year old baby boy cat, Bam, was put to sleep. And I held his little head in my hands as he went.

And I am broken, so broken. So besides myself. I have tried everything. Weed, which makes me think MORE about it. I want my money back, Weed seller!

Wine. It made me nauseous. Didn't help me sleep. Just a headache and cotton mouth.

Food. Pizza, brownies, coffee. All meh . . .

I even watched The Office, my go-to for any pain and sorrow in my life. It ALWAYS helps.

Not this time.

I am sitting here with my feelings and it sucks.