The Fat Girl Within is Back . . .

Hello special friends. I have so much to update you on, but instead of recapping the last 2.5 years, I'm going to pretend you are all up to date and start from here. Because the last few months have been the kind of months that have thrown tailspins in to life and I need to write it out to fight it out.

But, just to ensure we follow a typical entertainment reboot format, below is a brief bulleted list of the VIPs (very important points) of the last 2.5 years:

• I married the sweetest, loviest, and funniest man, my husband, Roman
• I left publishing, went in to consulting, then to tech start-up-ing
• I have gained back all my weight and then some, weighing in at 216
• lowest weight: 143
• previous highest weight until now: 192
• new goal: not having a fupa
• I left NYC for a year and a half and lived in Princeton, where I learned what true rode kill was, how to drive a car, and how to buy anything and everything from Walmart
• I am back in Astoria with Roman and my 3 fur baby felines: Bam, Gracie and Pepper

That's the gist of it. There have been quite a lot more amazing moments of the last 2.5 years which I am sure will come up organically.

What finally brought me back to this blog was the need to free up my mind of concerns, anxieties, and so much emotion. Writing has always helped bring me back to a healthy track, both mentally and physically. Emotionally, let's face it -- that bitch has a mind of her own. But 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Here's what's going on:

My Fur Babies

Everything had been super peachy with my babies. They have been with me for 13+ years and have managed to deal with my life changes, including the new husband, with mellowness and bribery (Temptation treats are the shit). In August, that all changed. I had returned from a business trip from San Francisco and was sitting in my living room when my cat, Pepper, started to have breathing problems. I rushed her to the ER where the doctor confirmed what I had been dreadfully waiting years to hear: her heart murmur grew in to heart failure. She was diagnosed with a heart murmur when she was 6 years old and all had been passive and great. Now, 7 years later, it rapidly progressed and my little Pepper was hospitalized for a few days in an oxygen tank. Her life expectancy has been cut to an estimated 1 month to a year. It's been 2 months and she is back to her old self. She needs medication twice a day and is drinking incessant amounts of water. But her butterball weight is back and she is full of cuddles. Every day as a blessing, especially when she wakes up next to me, paw in my face, with her big beautiful green eyes staring at me, ever so lovingly as if she is saying, "time to feed me, bitch."

My Bam, my sweet sweet boy, who wouldn't hurt a fly, except the house flies that annoy the crap out of us, also hit a health crossroads. While everything was happening with Pepper, I started to notice that Bam was limping a lot. I took him to the vet twice, both saying it was a sprain. After a week of waiting for this sprain to heal, I went to hug him when my sweet angel hissed at me. Bam has never every hissed. We took him back to the vet and it was discovered he had a tumor in his shoulder blade, that caused a fracture. We decided to have it amputated and my sweet bunny boy was back to his old self. We came to find out that his cancer would spread and that he had another form of a cancer in his lungs. The treatment for both would be incredibly invasive so we decided to let him ride out his remaining time with us happy and healthy. Doctor says that could be 1 month to a year. I cuddle with him every day, making sure to enjoy his time with us. He still chases and outruns his sisters for treats and poops like a champ. All celebratory observations!

My Gracie is a true angel. She has been unfortunately lacking the attention of her humans and has tried her best to be patient. I've noticed her being extra cuddly and playful, and so I try to also give her cuddles and kisses in the morning, which she repays me with cat butt in my face when I am not paying attention. She still purrs like a kitten and perpetually makes us laugh! I adore her playfulness, how much she adores her brother, and when she places her sweet and tender paw to my cheek when I am crying. My sweet Gracie.

My Job

This week, I was laid off from what had started as a job of my dreams. I was part of the training and development crew at a Blockchain startup and worked with incredibly talented and interesting people. Over the last 9 months I learned so much that I was not privy to in publishing and even in my consultant role. It was like entering the 21st century, learning to use a washing machine instead of the the bucket of soap and water out by the latrine outhouse. However, I recognized parts of the organization that concerned me and I knew I had to move on. It turns out, so did the company. For the first time in my 21 years of employment, I was laid off/let go.
I don't know how to feel about it. It's definitely for the best, and I was given a generous goodbye, if you will. But it's like dating someone who you know you need to break up with, because they annoy the shit out of you, but you keep them around for the time being because they put out when you need it and they buy dinner once in a while. Then low and behold, they break up with you! And you are like, "well, I was going to break up with you anyway!" But they have long gone before they can hear you exude such confident denial.


So now, I have to figure out what to do. My husband is such a champ, not worried at all, and could, in theory, take care of everything until I find myself. I could write that novel I have been working on, or get back in to a size 4 pair of jeans, or learn sign language. I have a 6 month grace period before we have to consider getting rid of Showtime, or, even dire: move back in to my childhood bedroom.


I was on a high yesterday, skipping to a confidential loo of living out my dreams. This morning, however, all that went to poop. I woke up panicking and shot out of bed, conceivable tripping over any loo in my path, and starting looking for jobs. I was even considering applying to publishing jobs that made me so unhappy.


The thing is, I don't know what it is like to NOT work! And to be given this gift to figure it out . . . it's like being gifted the flu vaccine, I suppose. It is for the absolute best, but it hurts and will it actually keep you from dying?

My Weight

So, my weight. The whole point of starting this blog some I guess 6 years ago? Not only has the fat girl not been evicted, but she has taken over the g*&d&*n lease! I don't even know where it all went down hill (or rather sky rocketed up through the solar system) but, alas, I have put on 74lbs since my lowest weight. 

I don't blame anybody but myself. And yes, I would like a cookie for admitting that. But I'll take a stupid piece of celery stalk I suppose. 

So now I guess I have an opportunity in front of me. The free time and liberty to workout, track my food, and stop ordering wine takeout (it's a thing, especially here in Astoria. The delivery guy, Pablo, knows me on a first name basis).

So my goal is to do just that! Sort of act like one of those rich housewives who workout 6 times a week and drink rosé on Saturdays. Become a hot trophy for my husband, maybe get some botox, possibly an expensive luxury bag of a dead designer?

Well maybe not that extreme. But prioritizing my health seems like an easy decision. And I have a few more goals. And I'll be writing about them here in future posts. That way, I can reflect in 3 months or so and say I did it! I have to have one of those BEFORE AND AFTER moments in 3 months or so help me  . . . 

This concludes my comeback post. I'll be back with more fun filled updates, including angry haikus, videos, and possibly a gofundme for the stapling of a body part. Yay!

C