A rant

I have no clever stories, no fun pics, no humor to hide behind. I just need to spew out what's in my mind. At 2:25am on a Sunday, when I am suppose to wake up in 2 hours.

So . . . here goes:

I made big decisions last week. Decisions that I haven't told many people about. So why not blog about it for the masses to see, right? smh

I quit WeightWatchers. Officially. I haven't worked in a meeting for almost a year, due to scheduling, due to feeling like a phony, not being at goal, due to my day time gig taking over my life in some way. I made it official with my WW manager, and it was a tremedous relief, because with her approval and empathy, I became a member again. A member who lost life-time and is trying to get back to goal.

So now I am ready to be a member again! Yay!

Well, sort of yay, I think.

This is a new place to be. Before, when I joined WW in 2008, I had never been fit, at goal, healthy. So when I lost the weight initially, it was a dream that became tastier and more real with each week, at every meeting that I would weigh in. This time around, even if I lose a few pounds, it isn't so juicy, because all I can think is, "You suck! This is nothing to celebrate! You've gained back half the weight you lost, so you have WAYSSS to go."

I'm trying to ignore that asshole voice in my head and rekindle that drive. I swear, it's like rekindling a relationship that feels stifled. I envision this drive as a poor horse that should be put out in the pasture.

Now, now, don't panic. It's the scenario, the plateau that I wish would be put out of it's misery. Not myself. I happen to think I'm pretty great, just experiencing one of the biggest challenges in my 32 years of life: being healthy and human. Healthy so that my knees don't hurt when I walk a few blocks because I'm heavier, and human so that I don't beat myself up and accept that I am not perfect.

Also, I am cleaning house in general. Cleaning my life of clutter, people, and possible career plans. Trying to create space for what counts. As funny (and annoying) it is, I truly feel like I have no time for "that", that being the long list of bullshit currently clouding my life/perspective.

Look, I am not the easier person to deal with. I'm no fool to that. I may not be available all the time, and I may have to blow you off for work because all I have is me to rely on, and perhaps when I am in a dire situation, I handle it before I reach out to anybody, because my momma raised me to handle my shit, to not depend on anybody, and to be mindful of putting your own problems on other people, because everybody has their own stuff to handle. But damn it, my heart is enormous (metaphorically speaking. I'm not that unhealthy/overweight to have an enlarged organ) and if I let you in, you best be aware of how huge that is for me, and how lucky you are. Does that make me sound vain? Maybe. But if you know me, you know that I am the least vain person in your circle, hands down. This isn't about vanity, this is about reality. When I love, I love hard.

Where am I going with all this? I don't even know. I am really just ranting. And preparing. And accepting that none of this is going to be easy. None of it. And if it means ridding myself of some complacent situations because of certain fears/insecurties/pendejadas (foolishness), then so be it.

For now, I think my brain/soul can enjoy this respite thanks to this blog, where I can come and let out all the heaviness that kicks in some times.

And with that, it's bed time.