Chloe Chronicles . . .: Random thoughts on a Thursday evening

It's almost 3am and I am surrounded by my sweet kitties and the endless cat hair adorning my couch. It's part of the "crazy cat lady" lifestyle I adopted near 14 years ago. My beloved is asleep in the bedroom, having had a very long day at work. His snore is particularly strained tonight, which happens when he is exhausted. My poor bunny.

The TV is on, showing the 2nd battle scene of whatever army movie my husband was watching before he went to bed. The remote control is hidden under one of my cats, not sure which one, so this is what we are watching.

Seems apropo.

There's a certain kind of war going on within me tonight. My mind is racing, thinking about past friendships that have gone sour. Truth is, I have a hard time letting go, especially when I feel betrayed. This particular night I feel full. Not like, oh man I shouldn't have had that third taco full, but more like my soul is about to burst in the seams. I don't feel like crying, I feel like . . . punching. Not anybody in particularly. I want to release this confusion, anger, betrayal, sadness, and shock from inside. This is where a punching bag or one of those punching dummy manequin things would be in order.

One day I'll get in to the specifics of these relationships. All of them female. All of them insecure. A similarity I thought connected us. But, what quickly came to light, is that this similarity was a farce, and that insecurity can exist as a toxic and dark energy.

I sometimes blame myself. Why do I continuously attracted bitter and insecure women? Who can't be happy for you? Why are 2-faced and betray your word? Who will jump at the opportunity to kick you when you are down? Then try, in a heroic fashion, to zoom in and raise you up? Acting like they save the day?

Or the insecure spineless one, who is quick to throw you under a bus? It's not in my nature to ever do this, so when it happens to me, I feel like the wind was kicked out of my tummy, goosebumps invade my neck and cheeks, and a warm sensation overpowers my mood. It's devastating, embarrassing, and humiliating.

Let me be clear about something. I take full responsibility in my role in these relationships. I am not a victim who had a gun to her head. I participated in these songs and dances willingly. And I was no innocent party.

The question is, why? Why this trend? Why do I participate? Why didn't I run for the hills the moment I sensed that dark energy?

The truth is . . . I don't know.

At the same time, I have a group of wonderful friends who have maintained my faith in, well, friendships. This last year was especially difficult, and I really saw who my friends were. It's such a cliche but it's so true. In your time of need, your people will be there for you.

I just need to take ownership of my involvement in this. I want it to end. Whatever cycle, pheromone or shitty luck that has allowed for these interactions has to stop. As I get older, I realize more and more it's not about quantity, but it is about quality.

The interesting thing is that I have had quite a few females cross my path recently that want to be friends. Successful and positive women that I have met in classes, at my old job, in my building, etc. And I have this freakin guard up. I don't want to let anybody else in, anybody get too close. I'm sure they are lovely, but I don't trust myself, my judgment. My track record is basically poop.

I did accept an invite to go to an ax throwing event with some girls this Sunday. I don't know if that's a good idea, since I have the aim of a cross-eyed snail, but at the very least, there will be laughs.

I really need to get some sleep. Blogging helps. I'm sorry if this is a total borefest :/ But it's my way of puking out these thoughts. How's that for a visual?

I don't want to end this on a negative, so here are some happy updates: