Saturday, January 5, 2013

Enough with the WAH!

I am jumping on the official bandwagon, folks. The one where everybody is recommitting and blogging about it, being that it's the new year and all. It's kinda the best bandwagon out there (definitely better than the Yankee fan one). The true test, though, is how many stay on the bloody thing.

I can't type here and say confidantly that I will see this journey through. Truth is, I don't know. The last year and a half has been a year where I fell out of love with being healthy and fit. I did the off again, on again relationship with my tracker. I neglected eTools consistently, and I cheated on water with Coke Zero.

Essentially, I sucked as a girlfriend, metaphorically speaking of course.

So now what? Well, I've been inspired by so many out there who are brave enough to share their story via blogging, and raw enough to speak the truth. I've also stumbled upon some writings I did when I was losing weight in 2009. I was completely in love with losing weight. I gather it's similar to reading the soulful love letters written by your then highschool sweetheart (now husband) 20 years later as he sits across from you at the dinner table scratching his arm pits and oozing in pride as he belches the chinese take out he just inhaled. Could the romantic and dashing writer behind these letters be in fact the same person who is facing you? Only, instead of the husband, it's me, in the mirror, looking back at a very perplexed and horrified girl.

The analogy may not be so pleasant but you get the drift. I don't recognize the voice within these writings. But one thing is very apparent. I just gotta stop whining! I feel like the last year and a half has been non stop wah wah wah! I've bitched and hollered as my clothes have gotten tighter. I've thrown tantrums and resented the scale as the number has gone up. I've cried and embraced depression when I RSVP no to a social life because I don't feel so hot.

So 2013's motto: Enough with the wah!!

And to be as candid as possible. Ugh. Here goes:

On Thursday, 1/3/13, I went to a Weight Watcher meeting and weighed in. I saw something I hadn't seen in 4 years. A weight I swore I would never see again, unless I got knocked up.

174 lbs.

(I've deleted and re-written the above paragraph 5 times, with doubts, shame and fears about sharing my weight gain. It's kind of funny. Somewhere in my mind I'm convinced that if I change the wording, rearranding the sentence, and maybe throw in a pun, that the above reality will be more tolerable and not as scary. There aren't any words in the English language that makes that number ok).

So here I sit trying to figure out the next step. Do I want to write an inspirational closing that would give any rom com heroine the motivation to take on her challenges, all the while inspiring the audience to applaud her? Do I want to spell out a game plan, complete with bullet points, highlighted index cards, and laminated action plans? Will I proclaim that 2013 is my year to shine and that there is no failure in life?

Nope. None of the above.

I'm simply going to pubish this post. And check in every week with a weigh-in. And bring the WAH WAH WAH down to a tolerable level. Listen, whining is essential, but when it becomes the wall you hide behind to wallow in your frustrations (as I so elegantly have done), then it's time to reassess. WAHs are ok, until they affect the other "W"s in your life: your weight, your will, your world.

Dedicated to all of you guys who are the amazing soulful writers that make this journey just a little bit easier. Suzi Storm, Curvy Fit Girl, the every so charming Sheryl Yvette, and many many more!  Thank you for inspiring and for blogging about it! You have no idea how your words move mountains. 

1 comment:

  1. I swear I could have written those exact words, except the number wouldn't have been 174 (but one person's nightmare is another person's goal weight...).

    You sound like you are coming at this from the right mindset, not expecting rainbows and unicorns and a parade of genies handing out wishes, left, right, and center.

    It takes a lot of work (I keep discovering) and I can see that you know that, too! I look forward to reading more of your posts!