Adding to this anxiety is the inevitable surgery I am going to have to face oh so soon, something related to my hip injury. I honestly won't know until the end of the month, but the anxiety of being cut into to fix a fracture is really driving me to second guess just about everything. Now listen, I know I will be fine, that it's a simple surgery that will better my life, and (the best news ever), my doc said that my recovery will be super quick because I am in good shape! So, I am really happy to hear that!
However, with all these things happening, it's been enough to throw me off of my healthy eating habits and also to make me second guess my working out. Last week I did not work out much at all, partly because I was dealing with a stomach ailment, partly because I was beyond exhausted from being so stressed, and partly because I was throwing a tantrum and did not want to do what would inevitably help me feel better. Yep, makes perfect sense :/
See, part of this process is recognizing behavior. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that if you continue eating two snicker bars a day that one will probably gain some weight. That isn't what this journey is about. It's about figuring out the "why". Why does one need two snicker bars a day when stress is heightened?
I'll let you know just as soon as I figure it out.
With all this happening in my environment and feeling like I am somehow losing control (or so it seems that way), it was nice to see that I still do have some power over my actions. It all became apparent this evening. I had a lovely late dinner with two dear friends who live in the neighborhood, both WeightWatcher ladies who inspire me every time I see them. It's always nice to catch up with them, to be inspired by them, and to also be reminded that it's ok to let out a good cry some times. I mean, it's been one of those months where crying is inevitable and necessary to keep going. And, now that I think about it, I haven't cried in a long time.
Actually, not true. I cried last Sunday when Daniel Murphy got hurt during the Met game. It's partly because he started crying. I can not resist a grown man crying.
Anyway, besides this, I don't think I have cried in a long time. And I am such a crier, and proud of it! I feel it helps release the stress that loves to imperialize the area between my heart and collarbone. And it makes it much better to face the obstacles presented to us on a daily basis.
So as I was venting to them about how I felt like I was drowning, I noticed one of them was on the verge of tears. And she opened up on how she has been feeling stressed as of late and all she wanted was a brownie. All of a sudden, I felt myself get into WeightWatchers mode, trying to talk her through this and trying to figure out what does that brownie represent. And all the while, I was secretly fantasizing about having a three way with said brownie and dark chocolate fudge.
We all talked out our issues over sushi and then walked over to a bakery to get some coffee. I had compromised with my friend and told her we could all split a brownie at said bakery. The three of us were in accordance with this idea, and I was AWFULLY proud of myself for suggesting such a brilliant notion. Not that long ago, I would have ensured that I'd have gotten my own brownie (and rainbow cookie).
One thing I knew for sure. I was gonna get me a coffee.
Ahhh Coffee.
I'm Colombian and am perpetually sleep deprived. The photo says it all.
As we sat down at the bakery, my dear friend with the brownie craving received an important phone call and had to unexpectedly run out. She gave us big hugs and ran out just when the waitress came over. I ordered my cappuccino with skim milk and my other friend ordered a latte. When the waitress asked us if we wanted any dessert, my friend and I locked eyes and stared for a bit at each other, sort of trying to figure out what we should do: should we have the brownie in honor of our other friend, who couldn't be there? Sort of like pouring out a 40 onto an urban street, in honor of someone? Or should we do our bodies justice and save the calories for a nice big breakfast? The dilemma was upon us and I can see my friend was watching me, waiting for me to answer. And, all of a sudden, it all became very clear on what should be done.
"Nope. Just the coffees, please. Thanks."-Claudia Martinez
What the HELL did I just say?!?! I turned down a BROWNIE! I, Claudia Martinez, turned down on a brownie. After having a very stressful Monday, I said NO to a brownie. Who the hell was I?!?!?
My dear friend just about applauded me and commented on how amazing my self control was. I was still in awe about what I just did. However, not wanting to dwell on the achievement at hand, we continued to talk about life and the happenings that make it worth living.
As I headed home after coffee, I felt like the cavity housing stress between my heart and collarbone got a bit airier. It could've been the airing out of my feelings, the cool breezy "after rain" air that danced around my torso, or the relieving pride of making a decision to say no to food, when it was to be used as a means to temporarily feel better.
Whatever the reason, it sure was a lovely change to feel OK :)
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